I’ve always wondered what ‘trusting God’ means. I remember asking my Sunday school teacher what that phrase meant and how do I do it. She looked at me strangely with a stupefied look as if I asked her what the black hole theory was. Whatever her answer was, it didn’t help me understand how to trust God, let alone understand why I should be trusting God.

But upon reflecting on my journey learning to trust God, I realized that there are no set rules or procedures or even tips that tell you exactly how to do it and to do it well.

My journey was immensely frustrating for me. How do I trust in someone whom I cannot see or touch, who communicates in unpredictable and unconventional ways (a.k.a. actually speaking to me in English that I can physically hear) and supposedly loves me unconditionally, unfailingly and constantly? How do I trust a being like that? I remember becoming angry at the sheer impossibility of trusting God—it felt as if it was set up to fail from the start. It was ridiculous. It was unfair and I felt completely out of control. I felt as if I was asked to trust someone whom I barely know unconditionally and consistently, without knowing anything substantial about him. It felt suffocating and burdensome. Why bother? Yet a clever mentor asked me a crucial question that changed my perception of trust and what it means to trust God (or anyone for that matter). He asked me, “Don’t you believe in God? If you do, then you would know that He sees you are worth loving and that He has something wonderful to offer to you.”

And that was the crux of it all. I didn’t believe in God or the attributes of His character—despite being a Christian. I didn’t believe He truly loved me or that I deserved the kind of love that He was offering to me. Frankly, even if someone close to me earnestly and sincerely professed to me that they loved me unconditionally and thought that I was someone worthy of being loved, I still would not fully trust them. The problem here was not that God seemed untrustworthy or so ethereal and hard to grasp that made it difficult for me to trust Him. Rather, the problem was that I simply did not trust anyone. The problem was with me. The problem was me. I grew up being told that the world is not trustworthy. That insults were far more honest than compliments because those who wish to harm you are sure to compliment you in hopes of seeing you continue on your harmful ways. Even better, I personally experienced moments in my life where people violated my trust. In the end, I was left with the perception that the world is not a safe place and that trusting others is a burden—not a gift. I lived by the mantra of ‘If you want something done right, do it yourself’. I thought placing my trust in others equates to opening myself up to the chance of being betrayed and hurt. Only a naïve fool would trust people. Hence, I lived my entire life under my own rules. I ensured that I was never put in a place of vulnerability. Hence, when I was asked and challenged to place my trust in God, I was extremely reluctant. After all, I was asked to relinquish complete control of my life and place myself in God’s hands. And I said yes.

In the words of Pastor Darryl Crocker, we are invited to be in relationship with God. Trusting God and believing that God is trustworthy is essential in being in a fulfilling relationship with God. For three years, I had to work and wrestle with my own sin and insecurities with God to understand what it meant for me to believe in Him. God had me face the ugliness and bitterness of my very own spirit and challenge the so-called foundations and truths that I have clung to all my life. I had to actually understand what it meant when He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. I have wonderfully and fearfully made you while you were in the womb and you are perfect. And I love you completely, unconditionally and always.” Of course, I didn’t exactly do this on my own—although it certainly did feel that way. I had to open myself up to one of God’s servants first, and through our many conversations, God spoke to me, challenged me and healed me.

My journey so far has been amazing, painful and life-changing to say the least. I was often in an unfamiliar place that left me tremendously vulnerable, where I had no choice but to trust on God and on others. Many of those moments often resulted me being afraid and tearful, ranting and rambling in my seat inside Mackenzie café up at SFU. Yet there could be no other way. I was afraid of being vulnerable, unworthy and unloved. So I had to face my fears. And it was worth it. Thank God I said yes to God.

I can confidently say that I am glad I said yes to Him. In saying yes, God has blessed me immensely and showed me the joy of trusting others. I am learning to hand control over to God. I am learning to believe that He will not hurt me and that all that He does and will do is all for my good—even if I am still struggling with my many sins and feel less than worthy. God has opened my eyes to see the healing that comes from trusting Him, the joy of being part of a loving community of fellow followers of God, and ultimately, the security and freedom of being a beloved daughter of the Most High King. It’s pretty freakin’ awesome.